I spent the morning cleaning. The 3 inches of cheerios, grapes, mac n cheese, lost lego pieces, scraps of shredded paper (I have a hamster for a daughter, I swear) were all swept up with pure delight and determination. The dishes were loaded and my sinks were bare.
I had a 10 am coffee date with a GREAT friend. We chatted about being a mom, hopes, dreams, visions and about how to love our kids well. She encouraged me and uplifted me in so many ways. (Because being a mom is hard, yo. And finding a friend who loves Jesus and gets my chaos is.so.very.valuable).
My kids have been fed lunch and I should earn a gold medal in toddler nap time.
And yet, my husband sends me a text, “How’s your day?”
“Today is great! The kids have behaved well, coffee date was a success. Kids are all napping and the house is really really clean compared to normal”. delete. delete. delete.
Sigh. the truth.
“In theory, it’s going well..kids are sleeping, I’m working on business stuff right now, the house is really clean compared to normal. And yet….There’s this deep sense of urgency in my spirit. I’m at any moment going to start to cry. Today, I’m just really aware of God’s plan, vision, and future church for us and it’s both overwhelmingly beautiful and unabashadly scary. And I’m so ready, and I’m so fear-filled. It’s all colliding in me at this very moment.”
So, I guess putting that out in written form, has me sobbing. Uncontrollable sobbing. Like every episode of Parenthood, sobbing.
And, there’s a collision in my soul and a chaos of beauty surrounding me.
So my prayer is taken from someone else-because I’m not sure what else to pray:
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
I will call upon Your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine
And my husband responds, “I hear you. It’s weighing on me too. I have a nervous/excited/dread going on. I’m ready though. SO ready. Thanks for sharing with me”
And, I’m still. so.very.still. for a moment.
I take a deep Spirit-filled breath of thanks, relinquishing of fear, and a foundation of hope…
And, I blog for the first time in close to a year, because God is working and moving..
He has been working all along, but the all pieces, and the chaos, and the analyzing places of my heart, mind and soul are finally being freed to groan, feel, lament and praise.
And, I ask for prayers, for thousands of prayers. Prayers that we can move into this unknown, prayers that our fears wouldn’t be debilitating, prayers that our trust would be in Him, and that we would move out of the way to reunite with God in his vision for us.