Mommy Mayhem: Finding the Artistry

Mommy Mayhem

For info on the Mommy Mayhem Series click here.

By Lacey Pires

For as long as I can remember my heart’s desire was always to be a stay at home mom. I was the 12 year old walking around with someone else’s toddler on my hip. I’ve never had any desire to further my education or to have a career. I knew that my life would be my children. Over time, I painted this beautiful picture of what my life as a Mother would look like.

010And then, when I was suddenly and unexpectedly pregnant all of those plans and dreams seemed to shatter. My husband was in school full time and I knew that we would not be able to provide for our daughter unless I went back to work.

My first three months with Rayne felt like a beautiful (and exhausting) dream. Everything in my world felt so complete. And then, my maternity leave ended. I had an amazing support system in my husband and in-laws, but my heart was still sad and bitter.

My work life intensified. I was promoted which meant more responsibility and more time away from my family. My 8 hour days stretched into 12 or 13 hour days. The more success I found at work the more guilt I felt at home. I ran myself into the ground trying to spend enough time with Rayne, clean, cook, try to sneak in a few minutes with my husband, fall into bed exhausted and then start all over again.

As two years passed, I missed precious milestones. Her first time crawling, her first steps, and her first words. With every passing day, the guilt and pain grew heavier and heavier. I felt as if my life’s purpose was sitting in my hands and yet slipping through my fingers all at the same time. I was failing her. I was not the Mom I imagined I would be.

One day during an emotional meltdown (there were many) I cried to my husband (for the 100th time) that all I wanted was to stay home with my daughter. I felt like I wasn’t living out my purpose and it was tearing me to pieces. I didn’t even know who I was anymore. He finally said to me “Lacey, it’s not realistic for you to be a stay at home mom. You’ve been holding on to this idea that just can’t happen Pires-3Editedand if you don’t let go and accept it than it will continue to poison you.” WHAT? How could he say such a thing? Give up my heart? My soul? My purpose?

And then I heard the Lord whisper, “Aren’t I your heart, your soul, your purpose?” GULP. I hesitantly whispered a “yes.” “Isn’t Rayne really mine? Don’t you trust me with her?” GULP! “Let go, Lacey. My plan is better.”

It took several similar conversations before I had a breaking moment of surrender. I cried out all of the bitterness that was weighing down my heart. I asked the Lord to help me embrace this season of my life instead of merely surviving it. And for the first time since my daughter’s birth, I felt an enormous wave of peace flood over me.

My whole view of myself changed that day. Suddenly, I wasn’t a bad Mom or a failing Mom. I didn’t have to live up to an expectation that I had placed on myself at 12 years old. I could simply be Rayne’s mommy – without restrictions on what that meant. I had a blank canvas.

I still struggle with leaving my daughter. I still feel pain when I miss a milestone or when my husband texts me because the first words out of my daughter’s mouth in the morning are “Oh no…Mama at work.”

However, I also recognize that I have grown in leaps and bounds. I have been stretched and I have faced fears and insecurities that I did not realize I could overcome. And (GULP) it’s made me a much better Mother to my daughter. There were so many things that I needed (and still need) to learn and overcome in order to be the Mom that Rayne needs me to be.

Now I give myself permission to be happy as a full time working Mom. I give myself permission to enjoy every moment with my daughter and then kiss her and walk out the door for work. God knew I would have to be a working Mom from the beginning. He chose to gift me with Rayne when he did. And he has re-made me in ways that only he could in the midst of it.

I clung to my paintbrush believing that I could paint the most beautiful picture. But, I forgot that I serve the greatest artist of all. I encourage you to let go of your paintbrush and let the true artist paint you a masterpiece. It may not look like you wanted it to, but I guarantee it will hold more beauty and depth than anything you can create yourself.

Pires-21I’m Lacey. I am continually learning about myself. I serve an amazing God whose loving forgiveness has forever changed me. I am the mommy of a very feisty 2 1/2 yr old. I am married to the love of my life who is my constant support and my very best friend. I am a supervisor at a fast paced medical clinic. I absolutely love to bake and my pipe dream would be to someday own my own bakery. I love to write and blog as well. That’s pretty much me in a nutshell!

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